updated 8/01/2006
Count the dots
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The IT Yuppie
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects It to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives another response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150 page report on his high tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer and turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep" says the shepherd. He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man tries to stuff it into the trunk of the car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a moment, then says :"OK, why not?" "You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the Yuppie, "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
handsfree cell phone use
How the Internet Began
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will simply place drums in all the towns, and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale;and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long, and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum, and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafeningsound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company inthe land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known as "eBay", he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are."Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO!!!", said Abraham.And that is how it all began.
ID ten T error
So I called Marvin the computer guy, to come over.
Marvin clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
You know you're in trouble at work when...
- the Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area.
- your assistant begins responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
- you get a "It's for you loser" .wav receiving e-mail, and not a chime.
- your new Pentium is replaced with an 386sx-16 over the weekend.
- the Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record.
- the new policy on sexual harassment includes a photo of you.
- the Boss asks if you still have a copy of your 5 year contract.
- you notice co-workers measuring your office when you arrive at work.
- your parking spot is relocated next to the dumpster.
- your secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
- three people began helping you write a "desk manual" for your job.
- the LAN suddenly begins backing-up your computer every 10 minutes.
- a large paper recycling box is placed next to your file cabinets.
- the receptionist begins saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on you.
Check your Version
Dear Product Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, S2000 futzing 2.0, and 3 Stooges 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
--------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
This is a very common problem that men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0, and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within you system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\>APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Good luck.
(NOTE: If you have a version of this for Husband version upgrades, we'd love to post it here as well :-)
Dealing with Computer Problems
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Hidden Settings for MS word
Virus Alert
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes", delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your ex-wife/husband's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it'll leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
Recognize this crowd?
Would you invest in this company?
Click on the photo to see who they are!
General Motors Helpline
- HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
- CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
- HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
- CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
- HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
- CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
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- HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
- CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
- HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
- CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
- HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
- CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
- HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
- CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
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- HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
- CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
- HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
- CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
- HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
- CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
- HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
- CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
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- HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
- CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
- HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
- CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
- HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
- CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
- HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
- CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
Remember When....
from a science fiction show of note
and windows were something you hated to clean
and ram, the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and a gig was a job for the night
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody ever found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on meant adding wood to the fire
hard drive, a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse would hang out
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut, you did with a pocket knife
paste, you did with glue
the web was just the spider's home
and a virus meant the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear no one's been killed in a computer crash yet
but when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.
Source: anonymous
Dr. Seuss Technical Writer
(You really have to read this one out loud to appreciate it)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes' then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. (the old flexible 5" floppies)
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies...
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his Keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer -but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
True story froma Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
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