Internet Humor Page (2) - InfiniSource, Inc.

Internet Humor Page 2

CONTENTS:

100+ lightbulb jokes
A Classic Photo (Page 1)
General Motors Helpline (Page 1)
Remember When... (Page 1)
Seuss Technical Writer (Page 1)
Computer Tech Support (Page 1)
Computer Terminology
Irate Customer
Philosophies
The Creation of the Computer
Special Thoughts
Web Industry Terminology

COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

IRATE CUSTOMER

Here's an mpeg video [425 KB] of an unhappy customer of one of our competitors who shall go unnamed.

PHILOSOPHIES

	If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
	He who hesitates is probably right.
	Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
	No one is listening until you make a mistake.
	Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
	The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
	The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
	The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
	To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
	To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
	Two wrongs are only the beginning.
	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
	The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
	Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
	A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
	If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
	Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
	A fool and his money are soon partying.
	Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
	Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
	Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
	If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
	Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
	Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
	Chastity is curable, if detected early.
	Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
	Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
	Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
	Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
	Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
	Half the people you know are below average.
	99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
	42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
	A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
	If at first you don't succeeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....

The Creation of the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer.
And God said,
c:\>Let there be light
Enter user id.
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and...
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF
MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.
SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

Special Thoughts

	Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
	I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
	Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
	When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
	Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
	Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
	He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
	She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
	I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
	I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
	Honk if you love peace and quiet.
	Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
	Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
	Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
	A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
	Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
	On the other hand, you have different fingers.
	Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
	You have the right to remain silent... Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Web Industry Terminology

Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

Chip Jewelry
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the Wall Street Journal..."

Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Brain Fart
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.