Go to DOS and type F-D-I-S-K

by Kevin Tippett

Although InfiniSource.com grants me bandwidth to babble, for my day job I work the dark underbelly of digital technology. No, I'm not a marketing exec. I'm first-tier tech support for software (not, by the way, InfiniSource Software). The place I work is a cube farm, hundreds of little spaces divided by semi-walls, each with a PC, sometimes two, and at least one phone with a headset. The company is an outsourcing one, exploiting software companies that desire to minimize staff and avoid overhead.

It's not an easy job, but it's not particularly hard, either. When I started this gig I foresaw that the hardest part would be to not become cynical towards end-users. What I didn't foresee was the impossibility of avoiding such a perspective. Now, mind you, some of my best friends are end-users. Hell, I even let one marry my sister. But you know all of those tech support stories in tech-related humor sites on the web? They're all true, for the most part. The one about the tech, who at the end of a particularly exasperating call directed the user to return the computer to the store because he/she was too stupid to operate it is almost assuredly an urban legend. Two reasons for this are 1) it's a firing offense to point out the obvious, and 2) there's a mute button that techs use when the need to scream/swear/curse-someone-to-hell becomes an overriding, necessary vent. The applications I support run the gamut from graphics programs directed to grandparents wanting to print iron-on transfers of their grandchildren, to tax preparation software directed at lobotomized CPAs who have never heard the term "spreadsheet" (and Tom Waits was speaking the truth when he said, "It's better to have a bottle in front of you than a frontal lobotomy"). Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating; maybe the target market isn't necessarily those who have already been lobotomized, just those who are promising candidates.

For the most part I like the job. Yeah, the b***heads are out there, but aside from the full phase of the moon, they really are in the minority. There's a sense of power of Having Done The Good Deed when someone calls in with a problem and I supply the solution. When someone calls and it's obvious that they are frustrated to wits end, I reach down into my dank bag of experience, haul out the same sensation, and become a cohort with that caller.

Having said that, when it comes to humans, all I can say is, They Are Not My Species. Alright, general ignorance can be excused once, maybe even twice. But outright stupidity? Once, when I asked a woman for her password to access an Internet application, she replied with a 4-digit number, and added, "It's the same as my ATM pin number". I had her name, address, phone number... come to think of it, I had everything. As for those few who call, already angry and looking for someone to take it out on... let me get this straight: They're asking for help, and doing the best they can to piss me off?

"Alright, now go to the DOS prompt, and type in F-D-I-S-K".

Not that I would ever do that. Really.

The rules are fairly simple and straightforward when taking a call:

be polite
record in the database form all of the relevant and necessary information
do your level-best to resolve the situation drawing on whatever resources are available
escalate to 2nd tier when the solution is not forthcoming

Much like national politics, however, the simple and straightforward are often no more than the building blocks for The Dark Side.

In a sense I prefer calls on consumer apps to those on industry specific software. Sure, it can take a while to help someone who types the word "dot" as opposed to tapping the period key. Often enough, though, the patience is rewarded with a sincere thank you or offer to bare a child. These people may even be unpleasant to begin with, but at the end of the call, my faith in people is left relatively intact.

Then there are calls for help on industry-specific software. As an example, one of the apps I support is tax prep, basically Excel spreadsheets tied to an Access database with VisualBasic. When a call comes in, five times out of ten there's something to tinker with in the spreadsheet. As I give them directions to unlock the form and access the spreadsheet functions, I ask, "Have you ever worked with a spreadsheet before?" The answer is most often "No".

No? Number-crunchers that don't know what a spreadsheet is, much less use one?!? I want these guys to do my taxes like I want a blind, deaf surgeon to perform my vasectomy. Hmmm... then again, if that were the case, I'd probably wind up impregnating myself.

The Lighter Side - Previous Columns:
September 13: Fried at Fry's