Aunt Maggie and AOL

by Kevin Tippett

My wife's Aunt Maggie recently asked me the difference between ISPs, America OnLine and portals. I made the traditional slam on AOL, and then babbled merrily away. The matter was settled in a true, impartial court of law (my mind). Then I got an email from the aforementioned Maggie, and in the body was this:

...Evan Schwartz in "Digital Darwinism" refers to AOL as portal, as in "portals such as Yahoo and AOL.com" and Harley Hahn in "The Internet" refers to AOL as "A large ISP that offers extra content and services along with Internet access." (My wife's aunt, I should add, is an educated, cerebral woman. Amongst her crimes is that she thinks too much)

Immediately I was struck by the question: How many metaphors can I mix? AOL is to the 'net what Folgiers is to coffee (but without the caffeine). Or maybe AOL is to the Information Superhighway what a 1976 VW Beetle is to a 1999 Porche Boxter. Come to think of it, how many hackneyed clichés can I throw in for good measure? What I do know is that most all techheads and tech support types have zip respect for AOL. Partly it's a Harley-Davidson-biker-sneering-at-a-Honda type thing, but it's also due to some rather severe limitations concerning the pseudoservice of AOL.

Anyway, since the field is wide open, at least as far as what's what, I am going to refer to AOL as an online service, YAHOO (or InfiniSource or Excite or Lycos or etc.) as portals, and ISPs as, well, Internet Service Providers.

The reason I call AOL an online service is that when you dial in to them, you're there, that's it, you really don't go any further --- they use their own network of servers and protocols. It doesn't take you to the Internet, it just allows you to look at the Internet --- you're missing a lot of bells and whistles. If this is all you've ever experienced of life, well, chances are you're not going to expect much.

An ISP is more akin to getting off your butt, leaving the house, and roaming the planet. Instead of dialing in to one place, you dial in to a server that is part of the Internet, and then go wherever you damn well please. Want to go to the University of Frankfurt (http://www.rz.uni-frankfurt.de)? How about a decent cup of coffee (http://www.coffeepeople.com)? Got a favor to ask (http://www.lourdes-france.com)? Want to help guarantee the Right to Babble (http://www.aclu.org)? Or is there someplace else that you'd like to visit (http://www.hq.nasa.gov)? It's not like you can't look at these with AOL, but to get there you have to use their network and software, display a great deal more patience, and in effect, miss out on the feel of the wind on your face.

In addition, with an ISP you have access to something called newsgroups. These are along the lines of bulletin boards, where anyone (with access) can post anything on any subject. I myself don't use them; spammers -vile, evil creatures- have been known to prospect for victims in newsgroups. If I did use newsgroups, though, I'd probably check out alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die.

Then there's the use of email. When you're jacked into the Internet with a full-fledged ISP, you can send and receive email with attachments, no problem. Want to send someone a picture, a document, a sound, or anything that can be digitized? You can. For a tech, or eventually anyone using a computer, this can be a lifesaver (program not working because a .dll or driver got corrupted? I'll send you a replacement). If your email address ends in aol.com you can forget about receiving all but the most minor of attachments.

As for a portal, Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines portal as:

DOOR, ENTRANCE; especially: a grand or imposing one
the whole architectural composition surrounding and including the doorways and porches of a church
the approach or entrance to a bridge or tunnel
a communicating part or area of an organism; specifically: the point at which something (as a pathogen) enters the body.

I'd have to suggest that definition number 1 applies to the Internet, number 4 to AOL.

The Lighter Side - Previous Columns:

September 27: Battle of the Sexes
September 20: Go to DOS and type F-D-I-S-K
September 13: Fried at Fry's